DEPRESSION, THE BLACK HOLE IN THE SOUL

According to the APA (American Psychological Association), there is more to depression than sadness. Some symptoms that depressed people experience are the loss of interest in the enjoyment of daily activities, major weight loss or gain, sleeplessness or too much sleep, lethargy, lack of focus, low self-esteem, and feelings of guilt, fixation with death and, suicidal tendency. Depression is a very common mental disorder that is treatable by combining therapies and medicine.

https://www.apa.org/topics/depression

Depression is an insidious, perpetual black hole in the soul.  It brings one into this gross, dark place that is tormenting the soul.   The depressed person feels like they are pinned down beneath a ton of weight from which there is no escape. It blocks the light from penetrating the eyes which are the soul’s window. Sometimes one might contemplate climbing towards the light, however, each attempt appears to draw them in deeper.  There are those odd days when, with a bit of persistence, the depressed will muster up the strength to escape from it sadly, it is only short-lived because their mood changes so fast it’s almost impossible to stay positive and focused. Anything can trigger a bout of depression; disappointment,  betrayal by friends or loved ones, sexual abuse, rejection, bullying, stress at work, or just fatigue.

 Since most depressed people suffer from low-self esteem, mood swings are a constant for them. Often friends or family members may try to encourage and support them however, they may also become frustrated with the lack of interest. Sometimes, the depressed person’s mind is unhinged hence they cannot accept the kindness of others. As a result, they often sink deeper into depression and cannot cope with the demands of life. Therefore, they resort to isolation, self-mutilation, sleeping excessively, overeating,  anorexia nervosa, wallowing in self-pity, wishing the days away, and hoping life will pass by without their notice. In this state, feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness often set in and are usually followed by suicidal thoughts and, sometimes, these thoughts are acted out.

Depression chips away at your body’s vital force, leaving it in a weakened state. Hence, depressed people experience intense emotions, feelings of overwhelm, fear, anxiety, and pain, which restricts them from fully taking part in the activities of their lives.  The more one indulges in apathy and self-pity, the greater the desire to engage in addictive behaviors such as binge eating, alcoholism, smoking, drugs, pornography, and compulsive behaviors such as sex, gambling, and shopping. They believe these things make them happy. However,  it’s all superficial and only a frantic cry for help. Depression creates restlessness within, and it is a pain for which there is no self-cure.  No one needs to be ashamed of depression. It is a chronic illness that requires professional help through either medication or counseling and, in some cases, both.

I too suffered from depression for many years.  Looking back, I realized I was in a very dark and dreary place. It felt as though the darkest clouds were always pouring down vehemently all over me. There were many times when I fell flat on my face with no hope or desire of ever getting back up. I became addicted to sugar and shopping, which I used as a coping mechanism.  I loved everything sweet; candies, ice cream, cakes, pies, cookies, peanut butter, and chocolate, my favorite.  These foods supercharged my energy levels and provided me with the comfort that helped me forget my problems if only temporarily. Sometimes I would get up in the wee hours and eat sweets. One morning at 2:00 a.m. I ate an entire box of Cadbury Roses and wondered where they went because I didn’t even remember tasting them.  I just wolfed them down.

There were points in my life when I felt that life was not worth living and encouraged suicidal thoughts and also dangled on the periphery of suicide a couple of times. Here I was in London, the city of my dreams, where there was so much to do and see and yet depression almost stole that beautiful experience from me. The weight of the darkness was so overwhelming I went to the train station early one Saturday morning to end it all.  When I arrived, a few people were waiting for the train and I  stayed far from them.  I waited for the train to arrive, but it took forever.  When I saw the train arriving in the distance, I became overwhelmed with emotions.  I ran back home blinded by tears and unable to see where I was going, not that I cared. Unbeknown to me, I had visitors. I bolted up the stairs with Mike following in the tow.  I yanked the door open and was about to slam it shut when he braced himself inside, by now I was very hysterical and told him to leave.  He refused and stayed with me; he talked with me in a soft and soothing voice while asking me questions to understand what was going on.  It took hours before I found my voice and opened up to him about my feelings then. He saved my life that day because I had a meltdown that I didn’t think I could recover from.  Yes, I was a Christian, but being a Christian doesn’t mean that you are exempt from facing difficult times in your life. 

One of my hobbies is reading and I love reading autobiographies and self-help books which helped to improve my mood.   I am an avid fan of Sidney Sheldon and I read all of his books and watched the movies.  One day I came upon his latest book “The Other Side of Me”, at the local library in Dublin, Ireland.  The title intrigued me and I delved into reading it right away.  While thumbing through the pages, I came across this phrase;

“I want all of you to be as happy as possible. My happiness is an elusive balloon, waiting for me to grab it, floating from side to side with the wind, across oceans, big green meadows, trees and brooks, rustic pastoral scenes and rain-swept sidewalks. First high, barely visible, far out of reach, then low, almost within reach, blown here and there by the vagaries of a playful wind, a wind one moment heartless and sadistic, the next gently compassionate. The wind of fate, and in it rests our lives”.  Suddenly, I had an epiphany. No one is exempt from depression, which was a poignant reminder of the frailty of humanity.

I functioned in my dysfunction because I had accomplished many dreams, yet the happiness I desperately sought seemed elusive. There was always present this restless wave in my soul. I hated my life, and I wanted to experience tranquillity, stability, and vibrancy within my life.  It occurred to me that there was something that needed to be fixed, hence I reached out to several professionals who helped me walk back towards the light.

Nowadays, I am experiencing joy in my life and I strive to maintain this.  Some things I do daily are: maintaining a connection with God through prayer, Bible study, singing and just being of service to humanity.

Reading and journaling

Going for long walks

Talking to friends

Being kind to myself and others.

Traveling and learning new things

Sometimes I like to go into the kitchen, experiment with foods, and prepare something special which I eat with relish.

 If you are suffering from depression, please discuss this with a licensed professional counselor or a medical professional. The sooner you do this, the quicker you will see the results that will help you live the life that matters most to you.  Let’s stomp out the darkness! No more darkness here, let there be light!

Disclaimer: I do not intend The information in this post for the treatment or cure of depression.  Only a qualified counselor or a medical professional can effectively treat depression.  This is only for providing information.