MY FATHER- THE HERO OF THE FAMILY

First alert, true hero, energetic, real

Father, whether he is a monster, gangster, deadbeat or sweet. He is still a dad. Whether we like it, we are products of our fathers and imprinted with their DNA. I am sure that sometimes some of us wish we could choose our fathers. However, we must be thankful for being here as, without dads, it would not have been possible. The Bible speaks about honoring our father and mother and there is a blessing attached to this; long life. Deuteronomy 5:16

My dad passed away recently, and the news of his death directed a punch straight to the gut. The death of a parent can be very devastating. Guess what? There will be a resurrection day when the dead in Christ will arise 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17.

He was far from being the perfect father, yet as I reflected on my dad, I tried to focus on the few pleasant memories I shared with him. I remember being age two and lying on his chest in the back room where I felt special, safe, comforted, and loved. Later I found out the room belonged to him because it was his addition to grandma’s house. I will forever cherish that memory. He continued to express his love to me by having me sit on his knees, bragging about my smartness and saving the last bite of his evening meal for me. My confidence level soared because dada loved me. He was also hardworking, business savvy, confident, resilient, fearless and secretly I admired his bravado within the community.

However, I started noticing that my dad had a dual personality when I was about 6 or 7 years old. He would come home late, slurring his words, become loud and boisterous and he would break my mother’s chinaware which belonged to grandma, curse, and hit mom. I would freeze in horror as I felt powerless. I believe this was where I lost my voice because I was so afraid of the man I called dad. It took me years to figure out what made my dad so violent during this time, then I started hearing words like drunk, drinking and alcohol. I was terrified of the persona that took him over when he was drunk and often hated what he did to my mother when he was in his state.

Usually, alcoholics have little or no recollection of their violent behavior after binge drinking. Hence, the behavior is repeated each time they become drunk. Drinking doesn’t drown your sorrows away, it shrinks your brain, causing impairment to the frontal lobe, and that damage remains forever, although you might quit at some point. Don’t start drinking because alcohol will damage your life and the lives of those you love. Get high on applying your heart to wisdom by reading the word of God. Do good to others and become involved in community activities such as planting and beautification, as it does great wonders for the body and mind. Join a 12-step program. Go for a hike and redefine your purpose and if you don’t know what your purpose is, ask God and He will tell you! Stay away from alcohol and drugs because they steal the very thing you’re looking for peace of mind, leaving you with destruction along the path Proverbs 20: 1-3.

 Alcohol shattered my home and my life because I felt unsafe and was often terrified of my father, the man I once loved and revered. When he was drunk, he looked like another being took him over completely, resulting in physical and emotional abuse. Knowing that my father could hurt me and my siblings, the people he was supposed to love and protect damaged my soul. I secretly resented my father and would seethe in rage whenever he would hit me. My confidence in him shattered, and it took years to rebuild this.

From a very young age, I recognized the need for an escape route to protect me from all the anxiety I suffered and that, for me, was reading. I wanted to know more about life and the world beyond where I lived. Hence, I read everything I could find and often lost myself in the pages while dreaming about what my better life could be. As a result, I became an avid reader, and he started paying attention to this because he felt proud, especially when my teachers told him how excellent my reading skills were. Since he couldn’t read, he would ask me to read the Psalms to him and his business documents. Of course, mom could read but he wanted his daughter to read to live. Hence him. By now he had given up the alcohol and things were calmer at home and I started opening my heart to him again. However, he changed again and this time I didn’t know the reason. My resentment turned to hate, and it was so strong that he noticed it and told me at 15 that I hated him. By this time, our relationship was nonexistent, and I was happy to leave home at 17 with his permission.

Although I was free, I didn’t know who I was because the physical and psychological abuse over the years had shattered my identity. It filled me with anger and rage, which I put to productive use. I started planning the future I envisioned for myself while often spending time alone in deep contemplation. I knew I didn’t want the life I’d left behind and vowed never to go back, no matter how rough it got. I was building resilience over the years unknowingly, and it’s that resilience that has brought me through many difficulties in my life. I still had issues with belonging because my self-worth was below zero. As a result, I encountered many abusive situations along the way. Eventually, I went to college, and this was a huge struggle for me because I felt like a social misfit. Hence, I isolated myself from everyone except one true friend who had earned my trust over the years. At 22, I decided it was time to confront my dad and off I went to see him. It was a Saturday mid-morning, and he wasn’t expecting me. Fears of the past engulfed my mind, and my knees shook violently beneath me. However, I had gone a long way and was determined to find the path to healing from all the trauma experienced, and somehow I felt it began with him.

He came to the door, and I unleashed all my anger on him until there were no words left. He seemed quite calm and composed while he listened to my tirade, which was more like a torpedo. Although scared, I did it anyway. He never said a word and when I had finished, he asked me if I was hungry, and I said yes. Since it was noon, he said it was his prayer time and invited me to pray with him. I knelt at the bedside while he prayed. I don’t remember the prayer, but I felt peace, and I knew that my healing had started. He fixed lunch, and we ate and chatted lightheartedly, and that very day all the stored-up anger and hate dissipated. Some men do not understand the importance of a father’s love for a little girl or boy and how reassuring and empowering that is. No longer did I feel defeated, but powerful. My confidence was restored, and I looked forward to speaking with my father and our playful banter throughout our lives.

When I turned 40, my father told me he loved me for the first time and my heart swelled with love and reciprocity. He even shared the moment we had together that I mentioned earlier. I still don’t have it all figured out, but I know that I’m learning how to stay grounded while creating calm and peace. A place where the focus is on building instead of breaking. A place of strength and boldness. A healthy place where there is deep self-care and deep compassion for me and others.

For every little girl, boy, teenager, man or woman out there who was wounded by their father through substance use, abandonment, psychological and physical abuse, sexual abuse, separation or divorce, I want to assure you it is not your fault. You’re beautiful, bold, loved, and strong. You will get through this because you have a heavenly Father who loved you first and still loves you. (Psalm 27:10) Just ask Him to forgive you of any resentment, hate or guilt and open your mind to forgiving your dad and find that space in your heart to connect with him again. If your father is no longer here, visit his grave or an aunt, or uncle and just empty your heart to them. Cry, pray and do whatever you must do to release yourself from the prison of trauma, bitterness and unforgiveness.

You can’t change what happened to you. However, you can change the way you think about it and how you live your life starting today. I wish you love, peace, strength, inner beauty, and wisdom today, every day and forever. Let the healing begin now because it starts with you taking the first step! I have shared my story. How about you? I would love to hear from you!