David was a man after God’s own heart, yet he allowed the devil to use him to do something abominable to God. It might have seemed like a simple thing to David then and even to us, but God understands the true motive of the heart and when we mess up, He will punish us for our sins. Our confessions will not save us from punishment because it is not enough. When we suffer the consequence for our transgressions, it serves as a warning to us and each time we try to fall out of line, that small voice will remind us of the penalty that was meted out the last time. Have you ever been disciplined by your parent for wrongdoing? Do you remember how much it hurts and the way it served as a constant reminder and a deterrent for all future infringements? This is how God works. He wants to clean us from all imperfections so that we can model His character in our lives each day.
David was at the height of his kingship, and one would think that since he had proved God’s faithfulness in his life over the years, he had a good understanding of what is pleasing to God. However, he probably felt bored, like most professionals do. They become tired of the routine because they don’t feel fulfilled anymore. They often thrive on doing different things that will inspire them to feel good about themselves and take their accomplishment to the next level. There is nothing wrong with that unless it is something unethical, then it would be so wrong. David wanted to number his army and to him, that might have been a simple thing, but God cautioned him against it. I believe He was saying to David do not depend on numbers, trust me. I’m the one who has been fighting for you. I delivered Goliath into your hands and gave you the wisdom and discernment to destroy him. I protected you from Saul’s attempts on your life many times and gave you the wisdom to evade him. I delivered Saul into your hands many times to test you and you passed the test. I know your heart and your reason for this.
Your servant Joab, whose heart is not perfect yet, found your request abominable and tried to talk you out of it but you insisted and because you’re the king, he unwillingly complied. Now speak for yourself. David acknowledged he had sinned. However, he is still trying to pass it off as a little thing. In verse 8, he said I have done foolishly”. Sometimes the things that we do and consider little in God’s eyes are major and to Him and the punishment will be severe. God send His prophet to him. David had a Seer and all he had to do was to go to him and ask him to find out from God if he would allow him to number the people, but he took matters into his hands, just like some of us.
How many times has God asked you not to do something, yet you stubbornly disobeyed and expected to be let off the hook? There is always a price to pay when we disobey. God send three judgments to David for him to pick one of them because He would not let him risk his soul by being tempted to do something worse. Do you remember a time when your parents disciplined you for something you considered a small matter, such as lying? You tried to wiggle your way out of being punished, but it happened anyway. They were trying to stomp it out before it took root for bigger things. Thank them for it. Things were not looking good for David because none of the choices were good. 1 Chronicle 21: 10-14. David exercised his wisdom and chose God’s punishment above the rest because of his mercies to us. He knows he would not chide forever and although he bruises, he will heal. Hosea 6:1. Man’s judgment is destructive, while God’s judgement is restorative.
I’m sure David learned a valuable lesson that day not to underestimate the power of God to be God. He loves us but He will chasten us Hebrews 12: 6-11 when we step out of line. He loves us too much to watch us lose ourselves to the devil, who is seizing the opportunity to sink us into that perpetual darkness from where there is no hope. Are you being disciplined today by God because of your wrongdoing? Be patient under His hand because He wants you to spend eternity with Him. Look at the punishment as God’s love that will bring completion to the work He has started in your life. Praise God! Amen! Thank you, Jesus!
Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much
We are all flawed as humans. None of us is righteous despite our best efforts to do what is right consistently. Some of us have secret flaws while others have flaws that are openly displayed: rage, anger, hatred, jealousy, malice, envy, covetousness, and strife. Surrendering is often difficult, especially where anger is concerned. It is a powerful emotion that is often destructive, yet many of us succumb to it. When we recognize our flaws are destructive, we must go to God, confess them and ask for His forgiveness. However, do not expect them to disappear immediately. God wants us to hate the flaw and be determined to overcome it in His strength, hence it requires the flexing of our muscles. He will test us with those same flaws until we are victorious. The testings are designed to help instead of punishing because God wants us to die to self daily.
Most of us have had these flaws all our lives and we cannot expect to just pray them away. It takes work that we must do with the divine guidance of the Holy Spirit. Our victory is determined by the amount of effort we are willing to make, although it might take years. Don’t blame God when you find yourself still being unkind, angry, hateful, or jealous. It is because of your selfishness. You have not forsaken and surrendered those negative emotions to God. Sometimes maybe we find it too challenging, a cherished sin, or maybe we are too weak, hence this flaw remains a stronghold in our lives. As we yield ourselves to God, His Holy Spirit will grant us peace even amidst the war against the flesh and confusion. The battle is often won with humility, sincerity and patience. God wants to remove every stain of imperfection from us therefore, He invites us to come to Him for help.
Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.
As the hart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after thee, O God.
2 My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God: when shall I come and appear before God?
3 My tears have been my meat day and night, while they continually say unto me, Where is thy God?
4 When I remember these things, I pour out my soul in me: for I had gone with the multitude, I went with them to the house of God, with the voice of joy and praise, with a multitude that kept holyday.
5 Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance.
6 O my God, my soul is cast down within me: therefore will I remember thee from the land of Jordan, and of the Hermonites, from the hill Mizar.
7 Deep calleth unto deep at the noise of thy waterspouts: all thy waves and thy billows are gone over me.
8 Yet the Lord will command his lovingkindness in the day time, and in the night his song shall be with me, and my prayer unto the God of my life.
9 I will say unto God my rock, Why hast thou forgotten me? why go I mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?
As with a sword in my bones, mine enemies reproach me; while they say daily unto me, Where is thy God?
Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.
Hear me speedily, O Lord: my spirit faileth: hide not thy face from me, lest I be like unto them that go down into the pit.
Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.
According to the APA (American Psychological Association), there is more to depression than sadness. Some symptoms that depressed people experience are the loss of interest in the enjoyment of daily activities, major weight loss or gain, sleeplessness or too much sleep, lethargy, lack of focus, low self-esteem, and feelings of guilt, fixation with death and, suicidal tendency. Depression is a very common mental disorder that is treatable by combining therapies and medicine.
Depression is an insidious, perpetual black hole in the soul. It brings one into this gross, dark place that is tormenting the soul. The depressed person feels like they are pinned down beneath a ton of weight from which there is no escape. It blocks the light from penetrating the eyes which are the soul’s window. Sometimes one might contemplate climbing towards the light, however, each attempt appears to draw them in deeper. There are those odd days when, with a bit of persistence, the depressed will muster up the strength to escape from it sadly, it is only short-lived because their mood changes so fast it’s almost impossible to stay positive and focused. Anything can trigger a bout of depression; disappointment, betrayal by friends or loved ones, sexual abuse, rejection, bullying, stress at work, or just fatigue.
Since most depressed people suffer from low-self esteem, mood swings are a constant for them. Often friends or family members may try to encourage and support them however, they may also become frustrated with the lack of interest. Sometimes, the depressed person’s mind is unhinged hence they cannot accept the kindness of others. As a result, they often sink deeper into depression and cannot cope with the demands of life. Therefore, they resort to isolation, self-mutilation, sleeping excessively, overeating, anorexia nervosa, wallowing in self-pity, wishing the days away, and hoping life will pass by without their notice. In this state, feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness often set in and are usually followed by suicidal thoughts and, sometimes, these thoughts are acted out.
Depression chips away at your body’s vital force, leaving it in a weakened state. Hence, depressed people experience intense emotions, feelings of overwhelm, fear, anxiety, and pain, which restricts them from fully taking part in the activities of their lives. The more one indulges in apathy and self-pity, the greater the desire to engage in addictive behaviors such as binge eating, alcoholism, smoking, drugs, pornography, and compulsive behaviors such as sex, gambling, and shopping. They believe these things make them happy. However, it’s all superficial and only a frantic cry for help. Depression creates restlessness within, and it is a pain for which there is no self-cure. No one needs to be ashamed of depression. It is a chronic illness that requires professional help through either medication or counseling and, in some cases, both.
I too suffered from depression for many years. Looking back, I realized I was in a very dark and dreary place. It felt as though the darkest clouds were always pouring down vehemently all over me. There were many times when I fell flat on my face with no hope or desire of ever getting back up. I became addicted to sugar and shopping, which I used as a coping mechanism. I loved everything sweet; candies, ice cream, cakes, pies, cookies, peanut butter, and chocolate, my favorite. These foods supercharged my energy levels and provided me with the comfort that helped me forget my problems if only temporarily. Sometimes I would get up in the wee hours and eat sweets. One morning at 2:00 a.m. I ate an entire box of Cadbury Roses and wondered where they went because I didn’t even remember tasting them. I just wolfed them down.
There were points in my life when I felt that life was not worth living and encouraged suicidal thoughts and also dangled on the periphery of suicide a couple of times. Here I was in London, the city of my dreams, where there was so much to do and see and yet depression almost stole that beautiful experience from me. The weight of the darkness was so overwhelming I went to the train station early one Saturday morning to end it all. When I arrived, a few people were waiting for the train and I stayed far from them. I waited for the train to arrive, but it took forever. When I saw the train arriving in the distance, I became overwhelmed with emotions. I ran back home blinded by tears and unable to see where I was going, not that I cared. Unbeknown to me, I had visitors. I bolted up the stairs with Mike following in the tow. I yanked the door open and was about to slam it shut when he braced himself inside, by now I was very hysterical and told him to leave. He refused and stayed with me; he talked with me in a soft and soothing voice while asking me questions to understand what was going on. It took hours before I found my voice and opened up to him about my feelings then. He saved my life that day because I had a meltdown that I didn’t think I could recover from. Yes, I was a Christian, but being a Christian doesn’t mean that you are exempt from facing difficult times in your life.
One of my hobbies is reading and I love reading autobiographies and self-help books which helped to improve my mood. I am an avid fan of Sidney Sheldon and I read all of his books and watched the movies. One day I came upon his latest book “The Other Side of Me”, at the local library in Dublin, Ireland. The title intrigued me and I delved into reading it right away. While thumbing through the pages, I came across this phrase;
“I want all of you to be as happy as possible. My happiness is an elusive balloon, waiting for me to grab it, floating from side to side with the wind, across oceans, big green meadows, trees and brooks, rustic pastoral scenes and rain-swept sidewalks. First high, barely visible, far out of reach, then low, almost within reach, blown here and there by the vagaries of a playful wind, a wind one moment heartless and sadistic, the next gently compassionate. The wind of fate, and in it rests our lives”. Suddenly, I had an epiphany. No one is exempt from depression, which was a poignant reminder of the frailty of humanity.
I functioned in my dysfunction because I had accomplished many dreams, yet the happiness I desperately sought seemed elusive. There was always present this restless wave in my soul. I hated my life, and I wanted to experience tranquillity, stability, and vibrancy within my life. It occurred to me that there was something that needed to be fixed, hence I reached out to several professionals who helped me walk back towards the light.
Nowadays, I am experiencing joy in my life and I strive to maintain this. Some things I do daily are: maintaining a connection with God through prayer, Bible study, singing and just being of service to humanity.
Reading and journaling
Going for long walks
Talking to friends
Being kind to myself and others.
Traveling and learning new things
Sometimes I like to go into the kitchen, experiment with foods, and prepare something special which I eat with relish.
If you are suffering from depression, please discuss this with a licensed professional counselor or a medical professional. The sooner you do this, the quicker you will see the results that will help you live the life that matters most to you. Let’s stomp out the darkness! No more darkness here, let there be light!
Disclaimer: I do not intend The information in this post for the treatment or cure of depression. Only a qualified counselor or a medical professional can effectively treat depression. This is only for providing information.
Stop sharing your pain with people because most of them don’t care about you. Instead, they want to prolong it by rubbing salt into your wounds. They exacerbate your pain with their self-righteous admonition. Typical of what those inhumane people did to that wounded man left to die. The pastor was the first to see him because, of course, he was the leader and is expected to have compassion for the broken. However; he didn’t care to know and to ease his conscience; he passed by on the other side. He was dodging his responsibility while an innocent man lay on the road, possibly taking his last breath. The next in line was the elder. He too, in his pomposity, did nothing but take the other side of the road so that he didn’t feel empathy for him. They thought that not passing him on the same side absolved them from wrongdoing, but it didn’t. They were guilty and if that man had died, his blood would have been on their shoulders.
Then the good Samaritan showed up on the scene and had compassion for the man. He didn’t blame him for bringing it upon himself because he travelled on a road frequented by robbers instead; he jumped into action. First, he bandaged the wound to stem the flow of blood and then applied the remedy of oil and wine to the bandage. And he lifted the wounded man unto his donkey and took him to an inn, emptying his pockets of all he had and making a commitment to the innkeeper to pay for services rendered that were more than the money he left. He was a total stranger, yet he went exceedingly above and beyond to help this person live. This is true love, the love that God expects us to have for each other. We cannot do everything but can do something.
The hypocrites will always point their fingers at you however, Jesus’s arms are always outstretched. He is waiting for you to run into them, where He invites you to rest on His chest and be comforted. It is up to us whether we want to tell Him our problems or enjoy the comforting embrace that is always available for us even if we’re the most foul-mouthed vagrant on earth because God’s nature is love and He will always love us, regardless. Many of us go about wounding people intentionally and unintentionally. We want to straighten others out because we feel it is our responsibility. If we are honest, most of us are not worthy of doing this because sin lies at our door (Gen 4:7). We turn people away from the truth with our brutal pharisaical criticisms. Our Father, God admonishes us to not be a stumbling block in our brother’s way (Romans 14:13-23), when we offend a brother it is very difficult to win him over (Proverbs 18:19-21). https://youtu.be/lg8GyDyXmnk
When we see others doing wrong, let us pray for them instead of stressing them. Only the Holy Spirit knows their heart and their motives let Him do the refining work in them. I remember my late husband telling me that if I had an issue with him, I must not tell him, but tell the Holy Spirit, who will then tell Him. I struggled with this because I saw it as avoidance. As I contemplated writing this article, the Holy Spirit brought to my mind these words. He knew that your judgement was not always righteous and that it would harden his heart. I finally saw the wisdom in this after so many years. When we seek the truth, we will find it (Jeremiah 29:13). Yes, I went to the Holy Spirit but sometimes reluctantly, and He worked on the heart of my giant in many mysterious ways. I pray you will strive for the mastery and the crown of eternal life (2 Timothy 2:5-7). I love you all! https://youtu.be/BY6VAy9y_iQ
Positive social behavior causes enhancement of the welfare of others and plays a crucial function in cooperative social relationships. Among the many processes that help pro-social development is the significance of the child’s attachment to their parents/caregiver. Brett, Cassidy, Gross, & Stern, (2017). Researchers are interested in the connection between secure attachments and broad-based indices of pro-social behaviors.
Current theories and studies have shown that children displayed many pro-social behaviors that were distinct and had definite parallels and developmental trajectories that are characteristic of certain pro-social behaviors, such as comforting, sharing, and helping Brett, et al., (2017). (https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2017-16860-026)
Scientific evidence supports a correlation between secure attachment and pro sociality. However, results differ when it comes to sharing, comforting, and helping. A secure attachment system between infants and parents/caregivers is critical to the child’s development because it provides them with the tools necessary to form safe relationships in their adolescent and adult lives (Brett et al. 2017).
The basic Tenet of Attachment
Bowlby acknowledges the theory of behavioral systems, which is on the premise of biologically evolved neural programs. This method attempted to explain the ability of humans to organize their behavioral responses that enables them to act quickly and cope during uncertain times while at the same time, fuels the desire to survive and procreate. (Carr & Lai, 2018). Bowlby said the biological attachment enables infants to pursue robust, wise, and protective people for meeting their needs, provide security, support, and care, particularly during times of persistent crisis. Whenever people perceive threats or stressors in their environment, their attachment system is set into motion to secure life and property. (Lai & Carr, 2018).
Whenever these structures are inactive, or the absence of the threat of attachment set-up is relaxed, the mental energy renews for other activities. Importantly, security is the aim of such attachment behavior, especially at the looming of danger when no reliable caregiver is available to respond. Thus, the perceived attainment of protection is reduced further attachment-related attempts. (Lai & Carr, 2018). The process of developing security overtime helps to establish an authentic “secure base script,” especially with the issues of coping with threats, receiving help, and controlling negative feelings in future relationships.
Attachment Is an Emotional Bond
A baby’s initiation of closeness in a western middle-class family comes about as a result of emotionally stimulating interactions with reciprocal exchanges and emotional expressions. Hence, the showing of emotions during awkward times (e.g., stress caused by separation and relief and joy upon reuniting with the mother) indicates attachment. This emotional regulation applies to all children globally. Also, the expression of emotional cornerstones, e.g., stranger anxiety, is deemed biologically base and universal (Keller, 2018).
In western textbooks, the anxiety of strangers presumed to start in the behavioral repertoire of a baby at about eight months of age when the emotional connection with the primary caregiver develops. A confrontation with an unfamiliar person in an odd situation can cause distress in the child and generate the attachment behavior of proximity seeking (Keller, 2018).
Cultural documentation from sub-Saharan communities such as the Ivorian Beng or Cameroon is clear that stranger anxiety is absent from the behavioral repertoire of these developing children of the agrarian cultures. Although infants might have been born with the biological tendency to develop the anxiety of strangers, the actual events of concern would depend on contextual experiences (Keller, 2018). Close-knit ordinary farming communities in the non-western world have fewer strangers visiting; therefore, the families do not perceive any potential threats. Also, it is a common practice for parents to socialize infants with multiple caregivers to take on different roles and responsibilities (Keller, 2018).
The Significant Attachment Partner is an Adult
The principal caregivers for babies in Western middle-class societies are adults, primarily the mother with some help from the father and sometimes a grandmother and babysitters. The attachment is specific to the particular dyad (Keller, 2018). This relationship is presumed foremost, and the model for relationships futuristically. This idea resembles the nuclear family model and generational discontinuity owing to the changing dynamics of the western middle-class families (Keller, 2018).
There are multiple social partners for babies in original farming villages, which reflects the assignment of responsibilities within huge multigenerational homes. The mother may play the central role in the caregiving network for a while, since she breastfeeds the child and may also be one of the many playing a role in the relational system (Keller, 2018). Fathers are not actively involved in the early life of the baby; however, grandmothers are critical. Often children are utilized as caregivers of babies. Scheidecker analyzed the social relationships of children during the first four years of life in South Madagascan villages (Keller, 2018).
Upon observation, the peer group of children up to five years of age significantly socially interacted with infants. Although attachment researchers acknowledge that multiple caregiving relationships exist, they have concluded that the different relational experiences result in a similar idea of attachment relationships worldwide. (Keller, 2018)
The conclusion is contradictory to evidence from cross-cultural research that shows that early experience has critical implications for the development and achievements of children. (Keller, 2018)
Disorders Associated with Attachment
Researchers have accepted the view that attachment disorders begin in early childhood and resulting from the inadequacy of their environment. As a result, two separate clinical patterns are developed; emotionally withdrawn/inhibited phenotype, and an indiscriminately social/disinhibited phenotype (Hornor, 2019). According to (Honor, 2019) because of the significant differences in the clinical disorders the 5th edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V,) designated two separate attachment disorders, reactive attachment disorder (RAD) and disinhibited social engagement disorder (DSED), to describe these clinical symptoms. DSED is considered as being overly friendly, approaching unknown adults, inability to recognize danger, and going off with strangers. (Hornor, 2019). For the diagnostic purpose, the criteria for either attachment disorder requires that the child suffered severe social neglect during their early years and have a cognitive age of at least nine months to ascertain whether the child is competent in forming attachments (APA, 2013).
These attachment disorders are somewhat rare. RAD is noticeable in young children neglected children before placement in foster homes or raised institutionally. There is a possibility that less than 10% of these children who experienced severe social neglect will have the disorder. Children who develop RAD had experienced were neglected socially within the first few months of life (Hornor, 2019). Symptoms of RAD develops at an early age between nine months and five years.
In young children, RAD is described as the lack of focused attachment behaviors directed toward a preferred caregiver. Failure to find and respond to comfort when in distress; reduced social and emotional reciprocity; stunted response to others; disturbed emotional regulation, such as negative affect and unexplained fearfulness and irritability even when an attempt is made by a family member to comfort (Mikic & Terradas, 2014; Zeanah & Gleason, 2015) (Hornor, 2019. (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4342270/)
Children with RAD may resort to soothing themselves, becoming socially inept, and display aggressive behavior towards peers (Haugaard & Hazan, 2004). The criteria for the diagnosis of RAD is focused primarily on absent or aberrant attachment behaviors across settings rather than on social behaviors ( Zeanah & Gleason, 2015). The main deficit of RAD is evidence of the absence of attachment behaviors. Therefore, a diagnosis for RAD must include observations of the child’s interaction with their primary caregivers and also strangers. (Hornor, 2019). Some common comorbidities associated with RAD are the delay of language, cognitive delay, and stereotyping. The child may also experience depressive symptoms. Children diagnosed with RAD may have underlying clinical conditions such as stunted growth, lesions on the skin, and hygiene neglect. (APA, 2013) (Horner, 2019).
Contextual Child-Parent Attachment Representation
Within any relationship, individuals can create a “context-specific” attachment schemata relevant to a specific relational partner. Context-specific schemata act as mediators connecting the global and episodic levels of specific by using a top-down and bottom-up approach (Carr & Lai, 2018). Research has confirmed that individuals are capable of developing various context-specifics throughout their lifetime. For example, (school-specific, sports-specific, and community-specific) attachment ties with many relational partners inclusive of parents, close friends, teammates, teachers, coaches, and romantic partners (Carr & Lai, 2018). These connections are the result of their availability and ability to satisfy specific attachment functions (for example, proximity, haven, and secure base) in a given context and at different stages of development (Carr & Lai, 2018).
Context-specific attachment is a schema in which one’s attachment representation with parents mainly differs by context as in sports or school and are reserved and experienced in an emotional and psychological sense (Carr & Lai, 2018). These contextual schemata can involve an interplay between contextual factors, global structures (i.e., a prototypical schema for parents), and episodic interactions momentarily (Carr & Lai, 2018).
Anthropology re-dux: Infant and Mother in Context
Death without weeping, a significant study by Nancy Scheper-Hughes, described the socio-economic context influences maternal attitudes and emotions. She observed three generations of mothers living in poverty in Brazil, where each mother had an estimated 9.5 pregnancies, eight births, and 3.5 infant mortality ( Vicedo, 2017). It is very likely these babies will not survive; therefore, mothers were wary of becoming too attached; hence they did not name the infant or grieve after their death. However, this is a typical example of Western culture ( Vicedo, 2017). Scheper-Hughes concluded that there is no universality in mother’s love and naturally monolithic effect. This challenges attachment theory, because she called for recognition that mother’s love represents a matrix of images, meanings, sentiments, and practices that are everywhere socially and produced culturally.
Other anthropologists revealed that socio-cultural contexts impact parents’ goals in childrearing and, as a result, their practices, including emotional involvement with their infants. Levine et al. discovered that Guidi mothers who bore an average of ten children, the first focus is on their survival and then teaching them submissiveness, in contrast to U.S. mothers whose goal is not compliance. (Vicedo, 2017). In her observation of Samoan family relations, Mageo found that socialization is not oriented towards developing feelings of security but instead encourages separation. ( Vicedo, 2017)
Mothers have different goals that are dependent on their socio-economic status, cultural traditions, and social class and also evaluate their children’s behavior differently. For example, Harwood, Miller, and Irizarry founded that U.S. mothers in the Anglo and Puerto Rican communities of Connecticut had various concepts of what a ‘good child’ is, and these hindered their judgment of their children’s behavior in a simulated odd situation ( Vicedo, 2017). Research has revealed that some mothers disproved of secure behavior and approved of insecure behavior. Weisner also reported that some mothers in the U.S. encouraged their children’s independence; however, that behavior is comparable to the avoidance class in the attachment classification system (Vicedo, 2017).
Criticism of Attachment Theory
According to Keller (2018), attachment theory is only applicable to the Western middle-class. They ignore the caregiving values and practice in the majority of the world. Attachment theory claims to be universal in all aspects. Since universality indicates moral judgments about good and bad parenting, there is the need to address ethical questions Keller, (2018). Sensitive responsiveness in attachment theory was established on a different concept of the person and self than ideas of good caregiving in many rural subsistence-based farming families. Comparing one system to the standards of another ignores the separate realities in different value systems. In families across the world, childcare is prioritized, and their caregivers attempt to give them the best care Keller, (2018). This is especially important because patterns of care are carefully adapted to the ecological situations and social history of the different communities. The universality claims for attachment theory recommending one particular view as best for all children in the world is a stark contrast to the actual ecosocial diversity Keller, (2018). (https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.1720325115)
Attachment and Emotion Regulation
Way before either attachment became known, psychoanalysts were busy observing nature and the importance of intimate human relations. The objective of the relationship group, and particularly the British psychoanalytic school’s revision of Freudian theory drive which supplied the momentum for the many attachments and interpersonal relatedness (De Stefano, 2017). Donald Fairbairn’s (1949) famous dictum that the ‘libido is not primarily pleasure-seeking, but object-seeking. A fact that has captured the essence of man’s natural biological drive to establish and maintain close relationships with people who are important to them (Baumeister & Leary 1995). Attachment is nature’s strategy for survival because it involves individuals receiving care from birth throughout their entire life. Survival is the ability of humans to manage and respond to life stressors (Atkins & De Stefano, 2017).
Neuroscientists have speculated that evolution is at the center of the development of the nervous system in humans that is responsible for altering them of threats. Within the midbrain is the amygdala that performs the role of scanning the environment for signs of imminent danger (Damasio, 2001; Ledoux, 2015). Upon detection, the amygdala sends information to the autonomic nervous system, ANS, where an appropriate flight, fight, or freeze takes place (De Stefano, 2017). Another area of the brain is the prefrontal cortex, which can calm or modulate the reaction of the amygdala. The amygdala in humans is complete at eight months’ gestation, while it takes years for the cortex to catch up. Caregiver’s play a pivotal role in the infancy stage, as they must have love, care, and the right social environment, which is essential for the cortex to develop (Atkins & De Stefano, 2017) https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2017-43734-002
From birth, unpredictable processes such as holding, touching, gazing, vocalizing, and playing are crucial for regulating the autonomic nervous system, optimal brain development, affect regulation, and the creation of secure attachment (Porges, 2003; A. N. Schore, 2001, 2003).
Caregivers’ ability to comfort the child when distressed helps to establish secure ties between the infant/caregiver. The interactive, bidirectional communication between them assists the child in developing neural circuits from the amygdala to the cortex, which allows for autoregulation of emotions at a later stage (Atkins & De Stefano, 2017).
The initial dyadic co-regulation of emotional reactivity and negative arousal will not occur without the face-to-face and thus “brain-to-brain linkup” that is shaped by both individuals (Goleman, 2006, p. 4).
Conclusion
Attachment theory originated with Bowlby, who claims that a secure attachment is necessary for a child to adapt to real-life situations in the world. The first few years of the child’s life is the most crucial stage of their emotional development. Here is where they learn to trust by interacting with their caregivers, who are attentive, compassionate, and kind. Adults also benefit from emotional regulation. Some researchers are of the view that attachment is just a concept of the western middle-class. Irrespective of the cultural differences in attachment, it is a critical part of the child’s development and is the primary model for forming secure relationships as adults.
Food transcends all cultures around the world and is at the center of almost everything we do. It is a great way for families and friends to get together and celebrate and socialize at special events such as birthdays, weddings, holidays, anniversaries, graduations, Jewish bar mitzvah, the birth of a child, proposals, college acceptance, annual and seasonal festivities. Food is also very popular at repasts where families and loved ones reconnect and support each other through the bereavement period, business meetings where important decisions are made, office parties, special occasions such as promotions, retirements and just about everything. Food is everywhere and often very delicious.
The fusion of culinary cultures
Migration has brought with it the blending of cultures that have led to the creation of exquisite cuisine from all over the world, which is scrumptious as well as appetizing. Usually, these foods are very healthy and nutritious. However, sometimes it becomes unhealthy, especially if it’s fried with hydrogenated oils, which is bad for the heart. Studies have shown that it can increase LDL (bad) cholesterol while decreasing the levels of HDL (good) cholesterol (Link 2019). Therefore, all things must be done in moderation, as too much of a good thing can produce more harm than good. There is fast food that is loaded with fat and sugar, and many of us eat too much. Hence, the obesity problem is chronic in our world today. In recent times, there has been more availability of junk food and a lack of physical activity which promotes obesity. The pandemic, too, played a huge role in the obesity crisis because people were locked down and forced to stay indoors while our leaders scrambled to figure out what to do. The stress caused by the fear of catching the dreaded plague, coupled with economic uncertainties such as unemployment, food ration, shortage in essential supplies, and people squashing together in tight quarters 24/7 caused tempers to flare, which helped to aggravate the situation. Many people turned to food as a consolation to get them through these difficult times.
Food causes drunkenness and illness
In the book of Proverbs, Solomon cautions us about gluttony, which leads to obesity. (Proverbs 23:1-3, 20-21). Food can cause drunkenness. After consuming large amounts of fatty foods with little or no vegetable which is always topped with heavy salad dressings and consuming large portions of rich desserts laden with sugar and fats, there is the tendency to feel drowsy and fall asleep. A typical example is after eating a Thanksgiving or Christmas because people tend to over-prepare during this time, resulting in an abundance of food.
According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), the US obesity prevalence increased from 30.5% in 1999 to 41.9% between the periods 2017-2020. Also, the prevalence of severe obesity increased from 4.7% to 9.2%. Obesity-related conditions are on the rise, heart disease, stroke, type2 diabetes and certain forms of cancer, which are among the major determinants of preventable and premature death. In the United States, the estimated yearly medical cost of obesity was nearly $173 billion dollars in 2019. When compared to the cost of medical care for people with healthier weights, the cost of those with obesity was $1861 higher, which is quite alarming.
Psychology of eating
Many use food as a coping mechanism because it detracts them from facing their real problems. For example, someone might feel guilt, shame, or battling low self-esteem hence they eat the whole gallon of ice cream, and stuff themselves with cakes, pies, puddings, candies, and other rich pastries hoping that these will eradicate the demons that are haunting them. However, they soon learn that this doesn’t work because they notice they are becoming larger from overeating, and it makes them feel worse about themselves. Hence, they eat more, and this sinks them further into depression as they focus on self-defeating words such as you’re not good enough, it is too late to do anything now or nobody loves me. Thus, they continue the vicious cycle of overeating to silence a voice or numb the pain that will not leave because they are using the wrong approach to address this pain. Unfortunately, this can bring about suicidal ideation. They connected obesity to other comorbidities, such as Type 2 diabetes, cardiovascular disease, depression, anxiety, sleep apnea and other chronic illnesses. (Psychosocial burden of obesity)
Unregulated eating is prevalent among those who are obese. Studies have shown that many of those seeking weight loss treatment admitted to engaging in emotional eating while others said they had difficulty controlling portion sizes, and frequency of meals or developed the disorder from their response to societal pressure through the imposing advertisement promoting foods that look good but not always nutritious. Binge-eating is the most popular eating disorder among those who are obese. Binge-eating disorder is described as eating large amounts of food in a short time frame, usually less than two hours. Individuals usually lost control and eat faster than normal until they feel stuffed without feeling hungry and often eat alone. Some individuals have reported feeling disgusted of binge eating.
According to the Harvard School of Public Health (HSPH), the amount of calories people consume directly impacts their weight. When we consume the same number of calories that the body uses, our weight remains constant. When we consume more than we spend, the result is weight gain. They have conducted many studies about how patterns in food and diet protect against heart diseases, type 2 diabetes, and other chronic illnesses. The foods that discourage weight gain are the same ones that prevent diseases. The foods are whole grains, vegetables, fruits, and nuts, while processed food such as refined grains and sugary drinks leads to weight gain. Foods, in their natural form, directly from nature, are best for us.
Exercise is not only a great way to lose weight but improves health, promotes relaxation, good sleep and helps with moodiness and protects against chronic illnesses. Get outside and walk about daily enjoying the fresh air, deep breathing and enjoying the beauty of nature. Start slowly, then increase as you get stronger. Please remember to consult with your medical provider before engaging in any dietary changes or exercises, especially if you are morbidly obese. (HSPH) Prayer is very important in every situation we face in life.
For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds;Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;
We have often heard it said by pastors, theologians and Bible Scholars that we are living in a time in earth’s history where sin is pervasive, hence, it has become necessary for God’s people to pray more. The devil has escalated his attacks on God’s children in every area of their lives. Marriages are destroyed by the minute, homes and hearts are broken, and sicknesses and diseases claim many lives by the hour. It is not a time for God’s people to lie down their guard and allow the devil to steal their purpose and destroy their lives. He wants control of our minds, the powerhouse of our thoughts and emotions. He knows that if he can possess our minds; he has us. Therefore, he will bring sickness, death, diseases, confusion, fear, anger, bitterness and ruminating thoughts that are targeted at intimidating and manipulating us into surrendering to the darkness.
God’s people must be vigilant and run to Him for help when in danger instead of running to others who cannot help us. Sometimes the attacks can become severe and it can become disheartening, hence you might just want to relax and not do anything. Wrong! You are making the biggest mistake of your life. Your house is on fire and you need to strap on your armor; the word of God, the shield of faith, persistent prayers, praise and worship, and trust Him completely. We should also pray for others because God still does miracles and as we press into His presence daily and wholeheartedly, build a relationship of faith and trust in Him. He will answer our faithful prayers.
He knows what is going on in your body, in your marriage, at work, and with your children. He has the answer for all of life’s perplexities, including how to counteract Satan’s attacks. Whatever you are facing today, I encourage you to cling to Jesus in faith. Pray more and you will experience Him in ways you never imagined. Get up and Fight, Fight, Fight! No Retreat!
Seek ye the Lord while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near:
Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the Lord, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.
This quarter we are studying the Book of Job, which exemplifies character, strength, hope, faith, and trust in a divine God. First, he lost his precious children, all his possessions, and then his vibrant health. Worms and sores plagued his body. Many of us might have asked: how could one person have borne so much and where was God in all this? How is it possible that an upright, kind, praying, trusting, benevolent, ethical business person, excellent father and husband suffer so much? What was God doing here? Did He not understand Job’s egregious suffering would severely test his faith? God elected Job to represent His character. Yes, during his weakness, he complained and questioned God, but he never lost hope and faith. He soon learns to accept the truth that God knew what is best for us and wait on Him. (Job 1), (Job 2:7-10), (Job 7)
Is God allowing you to be tested in the fiery furnace of affliction today? Are you questioning Him? It is ok to seek Him because He wants to dialogue with you and show you the amazing end, which could be years. This life brings periods of upturns and down-turns, shifts, and swings, but it is not the time to give up. We must keep pressing towards the mark of the higher calling in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:14). He cannot use us as we are hence it is necessary to put us through the refiner’s fire (Malachi 3:2) to remove every defect in our character to use us to fulfil the purpose He has for our lives. Will you commit your life into the hands of our loving Father who created us, know our hearts and still loves us even when we are unfaithful? (Romans 5:3-4).
Some years ago, I faced a major challenging situation in my life. After three years of intentional prayers, fasts, and spending hours in God’s presence, He finally answered. He instructed me on the action to take. When God says something, it is guaranteed! I gladly obeyed and was amazed because it was too easy. This is the great God we serve. He specializes in impossibilities. My heart was filled with gratitude, thanksgiving, and praise. Out of the effervescence of my heart, I wrote a prayer of thanksgiving to God in my journal. I will now share an excerpt here.
God, you’re grand and awesome. Thanks for answering the faithful prayers of my mother, friends, and myself. It looked impossible from all angles, yet God you stepped in and delivered as no one else could. You parted the red sea and set your daughter’s feet on dry land. I am eagerly awaiting your turning of the next chapter in my life because I dare not do it. I want you to put your seal of approval on it and write it in my heart so that I will not forget it. I want to follow you, Jesus. Slow my pace and make my steps align with yours because I want to move only when you move, not before. Condition my mind and body to know when the time is right and invite me blessed Holy Spirit to grasp your hand and walk the walk of faith into the unknown. A walk powered by faith and trust in you only…… That was ten years ago and it has been quite a journey into the unknown. Sometimes I was lonely, afraid, and sick, but God was always there. There was a time when I was sick to death and He delivered me from the jaws of death. Whenever I was discouraged, His Holy Spirit would often bring me back to my journals. I had forgotten about this prayer until four years ago. He reminded me and I pulled out my journal and read this and was awestruck. We forget, but God never does. I was giving God permission to do in my life what He thinks is best for me.
Although I am still going through intense trials, I trust Him because He never fails to show me the way. Maybe someone out there is struggling and needs to be reminded of the POWER in God’s hands. I pray the peace of God will encompass you and minister to your unique situation. Keep seeking and trusting Him. God bless you all.
Have you listened to your child lately? I would advise you to do so more often because children are smart, authentic, resilient, daring, funny, kind, loving and have the innate ability to spot a fake person. They will go nowhere near them. We all have inner child instincts that warn us when we are in danger. However, we often cannot notice and this results in serious consequences for everyone involved. Do not ignore your children instead, listen to what they have to say because they have valuable insights and perspectives on things that might puzzle you. Sometimes you get a good laugh out of it too. I remember years ago when I was thinking of buying my first car I discussed it with my cousin on the phone. There was a very popular furniture store that was giving away cars as a promotion. Her son, three years old, said mom tell auntie to go there and they will give her a car. It changed the tone of the conversation because we could not stop laughing.
The power of touch
Back in the day when Jesus was on earth, everyone wanted to be touched by Him because His touch was magnetic. It unleashed the healing power that flowed through Him, resulting in impactful healings. Mothers brought their children to Him to experience the power of that touch. The disciples shooed them away because they viewed them as nuisances. However, Jesus rebuked them and called the children unto Him and blessed them. I am sure they were happy kids right there after that experience because they sat on the knees of the king of kings and Lord of Lord while experiencing His power flowing through them.
This week I had a great disappointment, and I wrestled with God about it because it should not have worked out that way. My frustration mounted as I contemplated the next steps. However, I turned up for my voluntary work at 5:00 a.m. the next day because I wanted to be there for the people who needed me. The last person I spoke to was very young and deeply troubled. I spent the rest of my shift with him, which was an hour. We spoke, and I encouraged him while pouring empathy, compassion, and love into his wounds. After what seemed like an eternity, he started speaking positively. His first sentence was I am feeling better, you’re the first person who made me feel important. I felt humbled knowing that God used me to save one of his children. We continued talking on a much lighter note with him, even poking fun at me. He had lost his childlikeness and now it was restored. Towards the end of our talk, we agreed on goals and he thanked me. Then he said these words, “ I know people like us, we help others because we can’t help ourselves. I want you to know that if you need help, it is available”. It choked me up! This child had received grace because I took the time to care and, in his gratitude, he extended grace to me, too.
Children Need Love
Children need love, hence their parents should nurture and love them. Many of our children are wandering around lost and hopeless because we are shirking our godly duties. Do not become so caught up in the business of life that you like the disciples view your children as an unwelcome distraction to your life but see them as a beautiful gift from God. Please parent spend time with your children today, talking and listening twice as much to them. Show them empathy, love, and patience. Fill their lives with joy, laughter, hugs and kisses today!
We owe it to ourselves, our families, friends and posterity to break the negative patterns by choosing to evolve into the person we want to be. It is time for you to take that mammoth leap by standing up to the past and wrestling it to the ground through therapy, prayer and self-help because you’re powerful and strong!
Throughout history, people have grappled with their humanity. They are constantly seeking to improve their lives. As a result, they seek ways to harness their true potential that will elevate them to that realm of social and economic stability. They strive to gain a good education, great jobs, promotions, houses, and cars. However, at the center of this, they want to create strong family bonds with their spouses, children, extended family, and friends while creating balance and stability in their lives. Many have tried hard and although some have accomplished tremendous feats, they still cannot have meaningful relationships with anyone. The answer to this lies within themselves and they must dig deep to find it. To do so we all must ask ourselves this question: who am I? Have you ever stopped to ponder this?
Three years ago, I made a list of questions that I needed answers to and, at the top of my list, was this very question. I had written this in my diary but had forgotten about it. A couple of days ago, while wrestling with emotions, I felt impressed to revisit this question. While I pondered this, the following thoughts came to my mind and I would like to share them with you. We all have a past that is linked to the future we are trying to create. We can only experience real joy and happiness in our lives when we dig up the past, thoroughly investigate every finding and, are willing to attempt to fix anything that is broken.
Many children were abandoned by their parents while some were given up for adoption and they secretly loathe the parents whom they perceive never loved them. Others felt abandoned because their parents were emotionally unavailable or might have criticized them repeatedly. Deep down, there is a longing for that maternal or paternal attachment that was missing from their childhood. As a result, they wander throughout life aimlessly feeling like they do not belong. Hence, they strive to create this sense of belonging by joining groups, creating friendships or even starting a family while relying on them to give them that sense of worthiness. Others have become super achievers just to win men’s empty praises, which temporarily stokes one’s ego and creates a false sense of worth.
Sometimes we will desperately latch onto those who are empaths because of the positive energy they exude which awakens us. This can create an unnecessary strain on them because while they are fulfilling your needs theirs are unmet. Although you thrive on their energy sadly, their needs are ignored because you do not know how to reciprocate. Oftentimes this results in frustrations for the family member whether a spouse, sibling or even friends. You see there is not a single person who can fill the void in your soul. It is your responsibility to take the time to explore who you are, figure out what has caused that void in your life, how it is detracting you from your completeness as a person and get the help you need to steer you towards wholeness.
Some of us experienced severe trauma in our childhood from sexual abuse, physical abuse and psychological abuse. In most cases, this has led to addictions such as alcoholism, promiscuity, drug addiction, food addiction, low self-esteem and suicidal tendencies. Oftentimes, these wounds were inflicted by a teacher, religious leaders, family members or family friends and these have left scars that are buried so deep that even we ourselves cannot find them. Only with the help of a qualified counselor can these traumatic events be uncovered and dealt with over some time. Failure to do this will result in a missing YOU. Why do you continue to live with the altered version of yourself when you have the power to reclaim your individuality?
Despite how we view ourselves, we were created by God who loves and gave us mental faculties that are superior to that of animals. (John 3:16; Genesis 1:26-27) He also gave us gifts so that we can believe, think, dream, create, and live an abundant life that is free from fear and worry.
According to Loa Tzu, the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. I boldly took that first step on July 20, 2021! Although I was not new to social media, there was something different about this one.I was opening myself to the scrutiny of the world and it was terrifying. I bravely uploaded my first post, entitled WHO AM I which was the deep reflection and longings of my soul. As I contemplated, in retrospect, it occurred to me that there might be others around the world who are wrestling with the same question. From its inception, I knew exactly what messages I wanted to bring to the world. I wanted to write articles that invoked deep introspection; messages of hope, faith, love, belief in God and loving Him as we love ourselves and others.
This ministry’s purpose is to bring hope to the oppressed, downtrodden, incarcerated, divorced, widowed, abused, those who are struggling with substance use and alcohol addictions, brokenhearted and the sick who are struggling with chronic illnesses for which doctors can find no cure. Whatever difficulties or challenges you are facing today, just know that your Father, God, and fellow humans who care deeply about you want the best for you and appreciate you.
Let’s not forget that in this life, we will encounter difficulties and pain. (John 16:33). We take the consolation that there will be a new world wherein dwelleth all righteousness. A world where there will be no more sickness, pain, death, separation, isolation, or wars but love, joy, and peace. (Revelation 21). Let’s begin our preparation by taking care of each other until the return of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!
You, my ardent supporters, and frequent readers are the reason Heartplushands continue to evolve and thrive. Many of you have not only read but shared my posts with others around the globe. It is because of your commitment, despite the many other things which are competing for your attention, that our ministry continues to succeed.
Today we celebrate a monumental milestone, one of boldness, perseverance, and determination. Thank you for your love, prayers and support throughout the year and years to come.
HEARTPLUSHHANDS IS One-year-old!!! Stay tuned, there are amazing things in store!
